One of the best things about being a parent is the goofy things you hear your kids say; from repeating things you say to them, to the wild things they come up with on their own, it’s a bowlful of laughter nonstop throughout the day!

I have found that even better than the things kids say are the things you say to your kids - never in my life have I ever imagined these sentences coming out of my mouth, yet here we are. I’ve kept a list of things either myself or my husband have said that just crack me up because of how absurd they are - read on for 10 of the weirdest things I’ve had to say to my toddler!

We don’t lick legs.

•  Because a toddler will lick anything, including your leg. For no reason. They’ll just run their tongue up and down your leg while staring you in the face. Like a weirdo.

Please don’t bite my toes.

• This was a phase Jack went through when he was about 12 months old; he would come up to me or my husband and just bite our toes. No reason at all, he just thought it was funny and would laugh and laugh as we kept telling him to stop biting our toes. I’m glad we’re out of that phase, it was gross!

Let me smell your butt.

• Yep. I ask my kid if I can smell his butt multiple times a day, because I don’t want to see the disaster that I’m inevitably going to have to clean up, I want to torture my olfactory senses.

Stop licking my shirt and eat your pouch.

• Pouches - they’re a great invention; fruits and vegetables in an easy-to-feed, on the go device. But sometimes your toddler will squeeze some out on your shirt, and choose to lick your shirt instead of just eating the rest of the pouch.

We don’t lick walls.

• Like legs, walls are a thing toddlers will lick for no reason. Just walking back and forth. For no reason. WHY?! 

Please don’t drink the cat’s water/eat the cat’s food.

• Never really thought I’d have to tell someone not to drink the cat’s water or eat the cat’s food, but now I have a toddler and I know better.

Don’t drink your butt water.

• Jack loves to drink his bath water. Buckets are a terrible toy to have in the bath for him, because he’ll use them as a cup. I also told him not to drink the butt water at swim class one day, our teacher got a real kick out of that! 

Don’t lick the side of the pool.

• Speaking of swim class, put together the wall of the pool and the butt water, and it’s a recipe for disaster. 

You’re not a cow, we don’t keep cud in our mouths all day.

• Jack loves to squirrel away food in his mouth. I have no idea why, but sometimes he’ll just suck on a piece of orange pulp for like 20 minutes. It’s gross.

You can have the can-opener if we can change your butt.

• Having a toddler is all about compromise, for us it’s usually bargaining with kitchen tools while trying to change a diaper. Who knew?!

What goofy things have you or your partner said to your kid(s) that you never imagined coming out your mouth? I know every parent’s got at least one or two; share in the comments below!!